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It's been five months since my kidneys failed - five highly stress-filled months. I've had to learn to accept the fact that my life's changed radically and it will never be the same as it was before I became ill.

One thing I've struggled with is the idea of a transplant. During the first few months after the failure, I had four people (my father, brother, husband and husband's aunt) volunteer to be tested to see if they were a match. Unfortunately, all of them have different blood types, so they were no-gos.

Because I'm not close to the rest of my extended family, I then realized my only realistic hope of a kidney would be from a cadaver - and I'm really not all right with that. I've joked to my husband (although I'm not really sure it is a joke) that if I get a transplant as a result of somebody's death, I'll need therapy. Extensive therapy.

A transplant would make my life so much better - no more 15 hours per week at the dialysis center. No more constant nausea. No more exhaustion and spending ten/twelve hours a day in bed on the weekends. No more blood infections and blood transfusions.

I'd be able to work full-time again. Play with my kids without dropping out because I don't feel good. Eat chocolate.

And yet, the idea of wanting a kidney means that in a way, I'm wanting someone to die. And that just makes me feel evil.

My hubby has a more pragmatic opinion. It's his belief that people are going to die anyway, so it's a gift that will benefit me and should be accepted without concern. And yes, I understand his point of view, but I'm still struggling with the whole situation.

However, there is a bright spot, which I hope will turn out. Two of my first cousins have volunteered to be tested and I'm really hoping one of them will be a match, because I'm completely all right with the idea of a live donor. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I can't imagine having to make such a decision. I know I would also have a difficult time. The only thing I can tell you is how it looks from an non-viable donor/donor's family. When my small niece died, my brother's only comfort was that not all of her would be lost forever. It gave him, and my family great comfort to know that her short life wasn't in vain. Somewhere, some other child can see or lives because of her. Knowing another family wouldn't suffer the same pain and loss we did was then, and is still now, a sad kind of happiness. In being the recipient of an donor organ, you are accepting that gift and giving another family that same kind of comfort.

Be well.
Keeping all my fingers crossed for you, sweetie.
I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers for the best outcome!!!
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I'll do better than keep my fingers crossed for you. I'll say a prayer for you as well. I really hope your cousins are a match. Stay strong.
Consider them crossed.
I didn't realize that the kidney failure was permanent. I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine the decisions you're having to make. I do know that most donors look upon their donations as a way to make their death having meaning no matter what the circumstances. God's blessings on you and your family. m
I'm keeping more than my fingers crossed for you. You're in my prayers.
Whatever outcome you want, I will keep my fingers crossed for but as a donor, I would hope to be able to help someone just like you, should I die. It is a gift.
I'll keep my finger crossed that you finally get a donor.

You're in in my prayers.